Here I Go Again

Are any you tired of having someone in charge of you? Does anybody out there enjoy a heirachal leadership structure in the church? If so why? I have an unholy dissatisfaction with it and I have talked long enough about it so i decided to keep a positive attitude and hold out hope. I was holding out hope that our church could be different when it came to structure which I believed in turn could help be the vehicle to turn our narcissitic church into a Kingdom minded church. But to no avail that idea was squashed to smitherings last night. I have to say I am not suprised but there is no hope for me in this structure or idea of church. Is this selfish? It hurts me to see the bride this way. I am not being opened minded enough, sticking to my guns enough? I dunno but all i know is it is painful and it totally sucks. Why?! I feel like crying, i feel like yelling, i feel like punching something. I wrote up a little article comparing an incarnational approach to church (life) versus an attractional model hoping this would open up some dialog amongst the elders. Thanks goodness i never mailed it out to them and position myself as a heritic. I love the elders, even though i really don't know them which is odd if they are supposed to shepherds of the congregation and staff. If they can't shepherd the staff then they can't shepherd the congregation. I know a couple of them have a deep desire for change but have been outnumbered so they lose. Is there always wisdom in numbers? Look at the tower of babel! Horsechschitka! I want to be part of something that plants, does a little watering and then watch our glorious holy God grow and multiply his Kingdom. I want simplicity, I want to love, I want to be Jesus. I know this can take place in a typical church structure but it ain't working for me. I am just broken and depressed seeking wisdom and patience. Please let me know what you think.