Gut Check

Over the last few weeks i have been struggling with what is happening with my life (or lack of). I can't remember not having something to do. I've always been involved with something or cause if you will. After I left the paid ministry i decided to lay back a little and just watch and look for God. It has been interesting to say the least. What I am finding myself wanting to do is to run back into the safety net of what I used to do.

I am scared to pour myself 100 percent into my job because i'm sure i would become obessed with succeeding. Does that fear come from not using the gifts God has given me to their fullest measure? I am not sure? Is it because I have not quite left my comfort zone? Why do I want to run back to where i came from and not run to where God could be leading me? What does using the gifts to a full measure mean, not sure exactly how to phrase what i am trying to say. Maybe it is because all of my life I have always taken the path of least resistance. I am a puss.

I have been looking and praying through Romans 7 and 8. Now that i think of it, this little blog sounds a lot like chapter 7: a regenerate man trying to do it on his own and not being freed by the power and comfort of the Spirit of God. How does one live by the Spirit? It sounds so simple, doesn't it? I am confident that a majority of Christian in the good ole USA are still caught captive by the sinful nature. Awestruck by self-help and self-esteem. I remember a couple of years ago getting into argument with someone about self-esteem and how much it is a bunch of b.s. I think Ro. 7 sums it up for me. Self sucks the life out of you and the Spirit breathes not only life but freedom, clarity, peace that goes beyond understanding. I made a confession to my brother Bob the other day. Here it is...Not since 1995 has there ever been a week where I have read my bible every single day. I have beaten myself up over that for years!!!! No matter how much I try it never happens. Some would say I am not committed, not discplined, not whatever but what I am saying now is I was doing it all for the wrong reasons. I wasn't living a life guided by the Spirit but a life guided by self. Don't get me wrong...I totally believe that reading God's word is an intergal part of our journey but it isn't the only path that understanding comes down. Bob has recently blogged about lessons learned from his daughter. I truly believe that they were able to see God in a different light and because of that they were blessed and have shared that blessing with us.

I believe i have gone through my final phase of disenchantment with the "institutional" church which has led me to Romans 7 and 8. I can rattle off different approaches to church, list several books i have read about the emerging church, many of which have been a blessing to me and others, but it all boils down to self. What are you going to do with self? Are you going to be a slave to it? Or you can become a slave to Christ which is where true freedom lies. I have taught the lesson about dying to yourself, i have tried to live it at times but until recently I really didn't get what it meant. Now I do. Live by the Spirit.

This really ended up going in another direction but I think i answered my initial questions. Thanks for your help.